Descend and Wallow

[I started this poem some time ago during a time of severe depression. Due to the often therapeutic effect of writing, I found I couldn’t finish it then as writing it began to cheer me up. It is finally done and although admittedly a dark piece, I pray someone finds hope from it.]

On the eve of twenty and six
And much is amiss.
I await a new dawn
As much as a new breath.
I will not fight these fears
Any longer
And I cannot hold these tears
Anymore.

I will count the hours
Of all I have left
And of all I miss
If only to pass the time
In something more secure
Then this faith of mine.

I will not prohibit the powers
I’ve allowed into my life
I will heed their words of doom
Amidst the weight of their presence.
I will inhibit
Any evidence of hope
And let it pass me by
Much too soon.

Tranquility may await
Outside the door
But I can scarcely
Hear its knock
Or find the courage
To unlock my heart
And grant it an invitation.

It is not enough
To be full of loathing
On my own behalf
And it seems too much
To ask
For all I have been groping
In the dark:
The life preserver
Of esteem for one’s soul.

There is treasure in all things
If looked long, and longingly, for
There is worth in more
Then what we permit,
Than to what we give.
There is breath to be found
In places we are not bound
If only we will search for it,
If only we can break
Up the fallow ground
Confessing more
Then the feelings
So often shallow
And previous declarations
Now so empty and hollow.

There is a respite from,
A respiring to come,
Without the travails,
And a hope that will not prevent
Our cries from being heard
To no avail.
If I could but listen
If only You would hear,
If only my tears were as unsure
In their justification and confidence
As I am.

But I will not regret
Those avenues I have trod
I will not barter their worth
And what they have taught
I will not exchange the scars
For which I have fought
If I find that
For what I have sought:
A hope and chance
For a new birth,
Hedging no more bets,
Finding reality is more than
What I hate, those I love,
And the debts of my heart,
But God.

Though boundaries mean little
Any more
I pray my descent
Will finally find
More than a residence
For my soul to wallow
Beyond yesterday’s thunder
And tonight’s lightning
And that tomorrow
Will not be so frightening
Despite a lack of proof
Concerning its existence.

If I could but look past myself
Long enough to see
Someone with more merit than I
Then misery may become as foreign
As happiness has been
And the real stranger will be me
Living among truths
I have been taught
But have never known

Where descent
Is the road to joy undiminished
And wallowing is a voice
Crying in the wilderness
To the Father
Who holds my tears
Found in His presence,
A place where vision blurred
Is a prayer heard,
A location absent of lies
And no reminders of my demise
Remain
But only the refrain
Of thanksgiving
For an unending rain
Of mercy and righteousness.