Effigy (Galatians 2:20)

 

(This is a republishing of my very first post.  It deals with the battle to believe in the Lord despite a heart drowning in an ocean of apathy and doubt.)

I’m finally silenced
But not enough to notice You
Or abhor my swearing
And all of its ever too grandiose reasons
For treason against You.

Am I beyond caring?
Will apathy rule the day,
Every day?
Will I rue the day,
Every day?
Will Your ways ever hold sway
And win my heart?
How many more times
Must I begin to start
To try
To end these crimes,
And force myself
To stop asking “Why?”

Will I ever find
The strength
To quiet the questions?
To have the peace
To just be still
And know You
And Your will?
But torment is my timekeeper
As my selfishness
Persecutes me.

Will I ever give You more
Than what I have offered?
Or just the parts of me
That I don’t want?

You are the only one
To ever want
All of me.
Even when I do not want
To live it.
Even when I do not wish
To give it.

Will You ever ask
For any less of me?
And will my answer
Ever be pleasing
To Your ears?

It is one thing to be acquitted,
Quite another to be forgiven.
Labeled a quitter,
Never fully understood
Always longing
Even when desires grow too long
In age
Ever wanting,
With desires ever hunted,
Full of rage,
But rarely You.

Does faith
All come down to trust?
Can I trust someone I ignore?
A King who demands all
But one who cannot be demanded of?

What can I do
When Your whispers of love
Barely make a dent
In my attention
And I fall
All over myself
Trying to understand
Why your hand of deliverance
Is so slow in coming?
When my efforts to call upon You
Seem to hardly make a difference
And I must fight indifference
Against your desires?
Suffocating the fires of my passions
Day and night
Produces little more
Than exasperation,
Certainly not pleasure,
And when I find no delight
In anything
Just what do I treasure?

What do I do
When my faith
In my doubts and symptoms
Is stronger than Your plans
To eradicate them?
When I am to walk in faith
But it’s all I can do
To just stand?
If the only things I succeed at
Are impatience and frustration?

Will You be tainted
By these complaints?
Will my soul’s stains
Ever be removed?

I am desperate
To be desperate for You.
Though often
I cannot lift my eyes
To Your gaze
Or find my voice
To fill Your praise.
I have been weak
While You have endured me.

So many questions pondered…
And I cannot
Even afford to wander.

Just how far
Can I travel
On a path
Of step finding step
Of my own making?

When will my heart
Find itself well again
Absent of all its wrath
And allow Your invasion
Of all it has left,
Even while it is yet breaking?

Has my destiny
Run out of patience?
Will the best of me
Ever see its consequence?

I am living
Under the bridge
Of my potential.
I am seeking
My reflection
In the asphalt
And finding no humility
To answer
All You have asked
And every time
You have called.

I have hung my head
In Your presence
Then banged it
Against the wall
Of my defiance.

I am my own comfort
I am my own misery.

I need more
Than a theory of theology
With which to cope
Something beyond
The science
Of my fallacies
And senses.
I need the power
Of meekness
To overcome my violence
And weakness,
To find and experience
The unchanging evidence
That defines hope.

I must allow the fires of holiness
To burn away the dross
And gain a mind renewed
To think like You.

I will seek a strength
That is stronger
Than me.
I will wrap
The best of my flesh
Around Your cross
Even if the worst
Of me
Has yet to confess
All it has lost.

I will sacrifice myself
In effigy
In order to see You in me
And all You desire
Me to be.

I will finally stop my deflection
Of Your arms of grace
And allow Your embrace
To overcome
My every hesitation and mistake
To overrule
My disappointment and frustration.

Place me back
On Your potter’s wheel
And mold me
Into what I could never be
On my own:
A new creation
No longer broken and marred
But a reflection
Of the light in Your eyes
And the love of Your heart.