The Demotivation of Charlie Fitts – Part V

Part V: Running to Conclusions

He stayed the rest of the weekend and left for school early Monday morning. Once on campus, he proceeded to the administration building and withdrew despite their protests about the importance of a college education in the day and age they were in. Next, he hurried to his dorm room, packed up his belongings, offered a half-hearted and hasty good-bye to his roommate, and drove away.

Like college was worth the trouble, Charlie thought to himself. It’s 1993 and I just read the other day that even Harvard graduates can’t find jobs and are picking strawberries to make a living. I am not sure anything is worth the effort– why bother trying at all? You love someone and they abandon you anyway. You go to class and the professor and other students laugh at you. What’s the point of it all?

Charlie drove ever faster, deciding not to go home but to a favorite summer destination- Gettysburg, Pennsylvania. It was approximately 90 minutes from home so he could easily go see his mother at some point. He had determined to live alone for a while to think things through and deal with his sorrow. Pulling into town, he looked for a hotel for the night. He slept late and after picking up a local newspaper and a simple lunch, he went to Little Round Top for an informal picnic while looking at the classified ads for a job and a cheap place to rent. He then explored Devil’s Den just as he and his father did when he was little. He ended his afternoon by touring the battlefield he loved and had visited more times than he could remember. Within a few days he obtained a job at the Visitor Center’s gift shop and a cheap room at a boarding house on the edge of town. After a week had passed and he had settled in, he called his mother to let her know where he was and how she could reach him. She was shocked he had quit college but didn’t press the issue. She just asked him to stay in touch and visit when he could. Charlie wondered if she would be okay by herself. His mother said she would be fine as one of his cousins, Aunt Julie’s oldest daughter, Marie, who was starting college in town, had moved in with her. Anna also advised Charlie that her parents were helping with her bills while she looked for work so there was no immediate worry about money. Charlie told her he would call her and visit as often as he could but he just needed time by himself for a while and then hung up.

The years went by with Charlie continuing his reading more than ever, though never again did he read a book by Stanley Bickerhoff. He put enough effort into his job to keep it but not to excel at it. From brief conversations with Charlie and seeing how often he would take his lunch break at the battlefield, his boss recommended he take some courses at Gettysburg College to learn about local history and then become certified as a battlefield guide. However, Charlie only offered a nonchalant response to the idea and the suggestion was forgotten. Three monotonous and uneventful years went by, Charlie was now 22 years old, and shiftless in his attitude toward life. He called his mother once a month and went home for Christmas but didn’t put much effort into staying close with her or any of his family. Several times he re-read his father’s suicide note, particularly on the days of his father’s birth and death. As he was never much of a disciplined student but more of a dreamer, he fantasized about conversations he wished he could have with his father. He read the Book of Ecclesiastes and finally found the verses his father had quoted. He memorized them and contemplated the reasons for his father’s suicide to the point of near obsession.

One night he was especially restless and couldn’t fall asleep no matter what he tried; not only due to the crackling of lightning during the summer storm, but his inability to get his father’s face out of his mind. After tossing and turning for hours, he got up, turned on the now dull hall light, cursed himself for not changing the bulb, and went into the bathroom. Leaving the bathroom light off, he washed his face by just enough light to see what he was doing. Taking his time, he thought about giving up trying to sleep though it was the middle of the night. After rinsing the soap from his face, Charlie gently looked up into the mirror. His reflection made him think of how much he looked like his father. His aunt and mother had always said he was his mirror image. Maybe they are right- in more ways than one considering how little I try in life. I loved Dad but I sure don’t want to end up like him. Why did he end up killing himself and what can I do to not suffer the same fate? Charlie dried his face and returned to bed but stayed up the rest of the night thinking. Dad was certainly well-read and intelligent but he never put his knowledge into practice to where it made a difference in his life. As he found out, what good is reading and learning things if you never use it? Maybe meaning, including in life, is found in more than just feeling it but in the choices we make and the reasons behind them. He turned on the lamp by his bed, opened the Book of Ecclesiastes, and read the following verses out loud:

“And further, by these my son, be admonished: of making many books there is no end; and much study is a weariness of the flesh. Let us hear the conclusion of the whole matter: Fear God, and keep his commandments: for this is the whole duty of man. For God shall bring every work into judgment, with every secret thing, whether it be good, or whether it be evil.”

Much studying is exhausting but knowledge must be used if it is to profit someone. What good are ambitions, dreams, and good intentions if they are not executed? Dad learned the answer the hard way. After having read this book for three years, he had also come to realize that work and effort in life were not all vanity as his father had believed. Considering the book as a whole he reasoned his father had taken the two verses out of context and had therefore used them incorrectly to his detriment. Certainly, if read in the total context of his treatise, Solomon was not saying everything in life is vain or worthless. Dad said he had ambition but his only real discipline was reading and one thing I think he needed was a broader discipline if he was going to follow through to see his hopes realized. Reflecting on his father’s life as well as his own, he saw the dangers of apathy and how it creates regrets and wastes potential, talents, and even life. As the storm ended and daylight arrived, Charlie gradually started to find a desire awakening in him to change from an existence of little effort and much apathy as well as reasons to fuel his motivation. He got up, showered, and went to work. He told his boss he was resigning to move back to Maryland. After his shift, he packed up his clothes and books, advised his landlord he was vacating the premises, and drove home.

Charlie showed up unannounced at dusk and rang the doorbell. Surprised, his mother opened the door.

“Hi Mom. I’m sorry I have been gone so long and not been here for you. Could we talk?”

Anna Fitts hurriedly invited him in, overcome with joy to see him. Sitting in the living room, Charlie related to his mother what he had been pondering about life’s meaning and how much he had thought about his father.

“Mom, I know Dad wasn’t a bad guy and he was too hard on himself as was your family. This morning I came to see just how much I have been like Dad in his attitudes toward life, especially since I have been on my own. I loved him and always will but I have decided I don’t want to end up like him.” To Charlie’s amazement, his mother didn’t start crying.

“I think I understand, honey. What are your future plans?”

“I want to go back to college and actually try. I was thinking of going to the college here in town since they have a good English program. You know how I love reading and some of my credits from my old school may transfer. I was wondering if I could live at home to save money, though I plan on getting a job and helping you with expenses.”

“I think that sounds like a good plan. I am working full-time now and Marie graduates in a year. You and she always got along so maybe she wouldn’t mind if you moved back in. She has been so good to me.”

“I’m glad, Mom. Thanks for understanding and being accommodating. I promise I will do my best to not let you down.”

True to his word, Charlie put forth a determined and diligent effort in school and anything else his hand found to do. He got a part-time job at Question Mark Books and graduated near the top of his class. His boss admired Charlie’s hard work, faithfulness, and love of books and became a mentor to him. After college he worked his way up to managing the store and in time, became owner when his boss retired. To his habit of reading he added a hobby of writing stories and poetry. Charlie married at thirty-two and named his firstborn son after his father. He worked hard and passionately to instill in him a love for books and an enthusiasm and tenacity to never surrender to apathy or waste the gift of life; for as he had learned and reminded himself and his family often, God had made everything beautiful in His time.