The Façade

What’s behind the façade?  I’m too afraid to show You, to invite You to look behind my eyes and into the depths of my heart lest You become contaminated by the muck and mire of my doubt and mess of my brokenness.  Knee deep in false humility and shallow prayers that don’t carry the weight of true faith, it is hard to trudge through corrupted thoughts with unfocused eyes that won’t sit still. Brutal honesty is expensive no matter where or when it is spent.  But is it worth it?

Wondering and wandering to avoid Your gaze, I spend so much time playing hide and seek in the shadows to conceal my shame.  I have been running from the face of my honest thoughts, true needs, and Presence I am starving for.  Beyond exasperation there lies twilight with its temporary peace and hope that give way to the truth and fear of the night (not even to mention the oncoming dread of another day that may not bring healing or deliverance.)  Continually making choices that insult us both prevent the awakening of joy once tasted and nearly forgotten.

Listening is supposed to be one of Your specialties, but don’t You grow tired of hearing the same thoughts on the same issues over and over?  My face is certainly grievous of wearing them and my voice weary of expressing them.  I make little time to listen to You.  Instead, I spend much of my energy repairing the façade and building walls around my heart to keep You out and protect me from pain.

If I could but remain still and silent long enough to find Your gaze and hear Your voice, I might just feel the arms of Your embrace again.  After all, maybe it isn’t so much about my failing efforts to do better but my willingness to let You place me back on the potter’s wheel, enter and then tear down the façade, and remake me.  Lord, may the treasure in this earthen vessel ever show the excellency of Your power and no longer the futility of me.