An Observance Of Snow And A Heart

An Observance Of Snow And A Heart

(Or, A Prayer For Newness and Restoration)

O Most High and Exalted Sovereign God,

You are greater than my grandest imaginations, my most clever machinations, or any multitude of words I can employ. I have been trudging in the trenches of my sinful and foolish choices, only to wallow in them when they choke my breathing. My eyes have become full of the emptiness of sin’s wares and demands. My purchases have left me in far more than in debt, but in peril, far from You. My mind has neglected You, my heart has run from You, and my lips have seldom found the courage to speak Your Name. I have almost lost who I am in You as I have not found myself in awe of You for quite some time.

Starting again to climb the mountain that separates us, I am driven by a need for understanding due to a dearth thereof… with my many attempts to please and perform and still finding no relief from all of the micro-frustrations and mega-failures…my corrupt words like the piercings of a sword betray the truth but reveal the severity of my complaints and soul’s poverty with its unending demands and needs. My strength is far beyond spent and I am shivering within and without from the bitter wind of regret, never escaping the shadow of the avalanche of the questions that overwhelm and threaten to suffocate my nearly dying faith. For not the first time I wonder why I only surrender to the misery and mire of my doubts.

How I need to pursue You- despite the uphill climb, the coldness of the heart, the hands that have developed frostbite from a lack of employment in praising and serving You. A momentary break from cursing the day I was born and the hateful circumstances that led me here, I permit an inhalation of an unbroken and deep breath from a deeply broken heart. A whisper from Your Spirit invites me to gaze upon the freshly fallen snow in front of me and to cease from the pain of an outstretched neck begrudgingly fixated on the imposing distance….I am slowly reminded of what is more important and weighty than any reasons for my sighing and murmuring: You alone with Your purity and pristine beauty. Though I have neither, I slowly realize that my lack doesn’t prohibit me from observing You…Your magnificence, the majesty of Your creative power, Your unending mercy, and maybe more than anything- Your willingness to embrace one so undeserving. All I have to offer is repentance- for my penance is as worthless as Your grace is valuable. I need Your forgiveness more than another breath or another day. I need to succumb to the allure of Your perfect heart whose love knows no end. With quiet humility I haven’t known for ages, I offer my confession: I will declare mine iniquity and be sorry for my sin.

As I wait meekly for Your response, the snow continues to fall heavily for several minutes, blurring my vision, but not my hope. I lose track of time as the immaculateness of Your holy character is revealed anew-in the wonder of Your creation and faithfulness, Your slowness to anger and great kindness. Overcome by the ultimate presence of love and the grace that breaks prides and heals a man, I fall to my knees with arms and heart raised to the only Savior, and hear Your Spirit say: “Come now, and let us reason together, saith the Lord: though your sins be as scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they be red like crimson, they shall be as wool.”