Prodigal Thoughts

I can’t recall my father’s last words to me. All I remember about that day is how my eyes were full of the open road and the longings of my heart. No embrace, no wave of the hand, solely a hastened goodbye from a smirk-filled mouth, was my offering of farewell. Alas, I have been gone years now, I can’t remember the accumulation. No returned notes, no phone calls, or emails home. Who has time to be hassled with a parent’s worries when there is a good time to be had? Life is short, even shorter when you live only by the demands of anyone other than yourself.

I thought I was my own man; I thought I could survive without a watchful eye or concerned heart looking over me. Or maybe I didn’t think at all. I found out just how much I lacked in more ways than my honesty will share. I have been gone longer than expected yet return only with the poverty my heart left with. My friends are gone, now my most faithful companions are the regrets they left me. How little I realized that real wealth does not fill a wallet or a friend’s appetites but a soul. Indeed, I have learned many lessons; that was the last thing I wanted to do upon the beginning of my travels- get an education learned the hard way. At least I don’t come empty-handed for I am heavy-hearted with shame, disgust, and scars I would rather not talk about. It’s strange how abundance is so worshiped these days but what I am rich in has only made me poor.

Questions now abound, despite my degrees in folly and mirth. I am wiser in some respects, but really, I have just become more foolish. Upon leaving the only house of peace I ever knew my feet harried even faster than my desires. I wanted to know the good life! I was desperate to be famous and popular and well-liked, to be desirable and to fulfill my desires. I would no longer be the younger son with no recognition or good-standing. It was always my older brother who inherited all of the glory. Well, I showed them! I allowed my determinations to rule, to show them how to celebrate the days of youth and put off the nights of responsibility. No, I didn’t deny my desires anything. My mouth was always full, if not with food, then with my ramblings and profanities. My heart never grew weary of my travels, at least not as long as it was satisfied with all that I could get my hands on. I feasted my eyes on every pleasure, denied my lips no delicacy. I tasted luxuries foreign to my experience and forbidden in the strictness of my upbringing. I fell headfirst into feelings I had never held, into moments of sheer delight that promised to never end, and experienced highs that made me forget the lows of life I felt so in bondage to. I was now free! No bosses, no hours of toil and sweat, I had the dreams others were too poor- in ambitions, wealth or ability- anyway, they were just too poor in every way to accomplish anything. Who could compare to my wealth and me? Who ever knew more merriment than me?

But it is mysterious how that for all of my riches and good times, how quickly everything can vaporize. How you wake up one evening and realize that your bed is closer to the grave than any heaven this earth can imagine. How your smile has faded, and your eyes have now changed colors from excitement to anguish. I despise the biography my life will publish. And oh, the horrid pictures that will join it! I have replaced my kin with the twin siblings of remorse and lamentation. So, my conclusion must be reckoned with and completed. My dread has caused my feet to stumble and the journey that took me just a short while to start has now become a tiresome struggle of step battling step to arrive home.

So, I have fought the fight and lost. I have been beaten in soul and mind and body. My eyes are now black from the endless nights of frustration. How I had so much energy during the levity and fun! My heart is now blue, cold from all of the robberies and maiming it has known. And I am yet miles away from my family. I can still feel my father’s eyes staring off in the distance, hoping I would have returned sooner than he anticipated. I can’t wait to see my brother again; at least he hasn’t disappointed Father. I am sure he has remained dutiful. At least he deserves his inheritance.

Maybe both of them will permit me enough forgiveness to let me work for them; to work for my keep and their mercy. After all, I am not worth what I once was. Now I’m not sure just what I thought that was. I know I would be secure in my father’s house. That is, if he has any love for me yet residing in his home or heart. I guess these next few days will tell. It is entirely possible that the tale of my life may end with my fears vindicated and my hope truncated. But maybe there is a reason beyond my conscience I have been granted enough breath to end my journey. Though I am uncomely and possibly unwelcome, I will make it home- if only to make penance to the one who never wronged or harmed me. I will never know why my gratitude forgot his love. I am sure I will not hold the strength to lift my face to behold my father’s eyes. But if he will give me but a sparse moment of his time to offer my apologies than I will again be on my way if I must and return to the place of worthiness my life warrants- the fields of my soul’s slavery, restless on the bed of my heart’s guilt, ever sorry, not that I have nothing left, but that I ever left to begin with.

[To find out how the story ends please see Luke Chapter 15: 11-32 in The Holy Bible.]