Sabotage!

I have given You my best

And we have both seen my worst.

Failing and falling again

To put You first

Slowly I rise once more

With a back nearly broken and burned

By my hypocrisy

And a face turned

In the wrong direction.

 

Trying and trying again

To do better

Only to find I remain

A prisoner of age-old habits

That fail to edify

Chained to doubts and fetters

So familiar they have become codified

In all of my thinking.

 

I have run out of bandages for my soul,

I no longer try to stop the bleeding.

“Is it good enough?”

Have become swear words

I would rather not hear,

Would rather not have to fear,

Yet the continual question

I keep heeding.

 

If I know what good to do

Why do I still succumb

To what I should not do?

Why have I become

My own adversary

Living contrary

To what I know to be true?

I count my complaints

Instead of my blessings,

Instead of all You’ve given,

Remembering all the pain,

Running from all the shame,

Acting like I am anything

But forgiven.

 

Too often I find

I don’t care

What You want or long to do

For all I see is a lack of belief

And a heart of grief

That I hold onto.

 

You want more for me

Than I can even imagine

Your longings surpass mine;

But I am daily at war,

Fighting my feelings, fears,

And I all I see here,

Preventing Your plans

By listening to their voices

And employing

My ensuing foolish choices,

Creating nothing more

Than a distasteful collage

Of efforts insufficient and half-truths

Of unfaithful evidences

And unjustified treasons against You

Rather than yielding as humble clay

To Your molding and firing

To become the wonderful workmanship

You intended me to be.

 

My faith has been camouflaged

Behind doubtful and guilty eyes

While my heart engages in a barrage of lies,

Convincing myself there is no hurry

To face the truth

Ignoring Your longsuffering

As I make my demands

The only ones that matter.

 

O wretched man that I am!

Who shall save me

From this body of death?

 

O Comforter and Spirit of Truth

Empower me

To give up up my best intentions

For anything You mention,

To bring my body into subjection,

Change my heart and bend my will

Beyond my self-induced mirage

To the point of surrender and consecration,

Redeem my life from this self-destruction

And heart’s wreckage

In Thy mercy and compassion

End once and for always

My pride and penchant for sabotage.