unavailable

can I still hear You
when I’m thinking only of me
do I remain righteous
even when I am not right
can I ask You any question
or just the ones with the answers
I am not afraid of
do I still believe
You love me
even when I possess no love
how can life go on
though I’m not really living
and just when can I expect to receive
all that I have been giving

when my prayers are quite pitiful
and Your ear seems unavailable
can I muster enough courage
to believe beyond what I can see

and when all my anthems
have been sung
and all my excuses are gone
do I remember
You are greater
than my imagination
and stronger than I can fathom

You’ve granted every breath
I’ve taken in contempt
to run from You, Lord
and each of these selfish attempts
has brought
just a little more death
to my faith once secure

after all my profanities
have been said
and all my scars bled
can I justify
my wonder at how
my life is nothing but vanity
do I still have the right
to ponder “why?”

it used to be
I couldn’t see past
Your Name
now I contemplate
what is beyond my blame
I’m devoured by all I hate
and devout only to misery

do You still hear my cry
when I have no tears
do You want to rescue me
when I’ve given in to my fears
and when my heart hurts beyond words
will you speak what I need to hear

when all things turn unpleasant
and it is proven again
I am but a peasant
can I still enter Your court
is there enough grace left
for one who’s left
Your side so often
It is true
I am quite the fool
but am I still Your child
when I dishonor You, Lord

I can’t afford the frustrations
I’ve known
I’ve suffered so much
at the hands of degradation
if You offered
would I accept Your touch
and all the love
You’ve shown
or shudder for lack of trust

is there an end I can expect
that will be for good
or do I own
too great an amount of mass defects
have I known too many falsehoods

is there hope enough
to know Your love again, Jesus
do You have enough forgiveness
to cover my debts
I know I am far
from tenderhearted
but I do recall
something about
You finishing what You started
though I have run out of thank-yous
and my humility
is at an all-time low
I must still acknowledge
You as the greatest friend I know

I do remember
You are quite accessible
if Your Spirit would
just allow my heart
to attend again Your funeral
then I know He could wash
my heart and hands in Your blood
and my life, love, and gratitude
would no longer be
unavailable.