The Widow Of Despair

 

Forty years of anticipation

Four times as much longing

Still she waits for emancipation

From the pain her life brings.

She bears scars

She’ll never show,

Hides secrets

She thinks no one

Will ever know.

 

So strong in her youth

In so many ways,

She spends little effort and time

Chasing the truth;

Her dreams are her idols,

Love songs her bible.

She’s convinced

The next time

Will turn out differently

Instead of more of the same,

No matter the past

Or succumbing

To the darkness of the night,

This time love will last.

Yet come daylight

She winces

When she finds

She can’t forget his face

But he won’t remember her name.

 

With eyes dimmed by sorrow

And her ruminations mere shadows

Of what she wishes for

She continually trips

Over her intentions

And ever neglects to mention

To the mirror

The wearying toll borne of

Her choices

And their outcome-

Of all who had forsaken her

No matter where they had taken her,

She found her heart betrayed

And her sense of worth frayed.

Despite lacking in security and love,

She decides to go forward

One more morn

With yet another new start

But the same old voice,

Once more into the unknown,

Once more all alone.

 

With a face not a little worn

By weariness,

A soul not a little torn

By disappointment and wariness,

Of all the tales she has told,

She remembers

Her eyes once held plenty of room

To share all that she consumed

In the fleeting light

Of her heart’s desires

That promised warmth, protection,

And more than fleeting delights;

Now she’s burned and forlorn

From the fires

She endured that blazed so bright

For a moment

But have since left her

Abandoned and cold

In weeping and torment.

 

Her ears are the only ones

To hear her cries,

There’s no one remaining

To feel her screams

Or dry her eyes.

With lips void of hope

And arms full of emptiness

She wishes her words

Meant something

To someone, anyone;

Maybe then she wouldn’t shield

Her face

From every glimpse of light

And she could peek beyond

All the ruses

That have left her

Beaten and bruised,

Wasted and used.

 

Every day she rises

Her thoughts chase her worries

In an endless race

Never slowing down to a pace

So she can harness them,

Wishing they were not in such a hurry

To see her fail;

Only for the evening

To find her efforts

Of no consequence or avail;

She’s left exhausted and grieving

With her soul locked

In the same solitary prison.

 

She has a smile

That refuses to awaken

From its slumber,

Broken dreams and false starts

Without number;

She misplaced her trust

Some time ago.

Just how much

Has this life dismembered

All she once believed in

She may never know;

What little faith she had

Has turned to rust.

 

She can’t let go of the struggle

Or deny the fight;

She refuses to consider

There is one more than able

To rescue her

From her toil and troubles.

She can’t see His face

So she won’t call His Name.

She’s sinking in her disgrace,

Yet unwilling to admit any blame

Or confront the shame.

 

The nights of regret arrive,

Amidst a dearth of pleasure;

All she previously treasured

And made her feel alive

Has lost her heart’s address,

Left her bereft and unknown.

How she longs to thrive

And reside

In any place other than Alone!

Her face can no longer conceal the years,

The honesty of her beauty gives way

To painful memories and plentiful tears

As her heart takes no rest night after night.

Her sorrows outweigh

Any convictions she has shown,

Her mourning knows no end;

For the first time

She finds no strength

With which to begin again.

 

Wading no more,

The river of heartbreak

Is now an ocean,

Drowning her in despair

And leaving her spirit impaired.

Gone are the days of yore

When a peaceful emotion

Was all she needed;

Every desire she could think of

She heeded

Without cost or compromise,

But now her soul

Yearns for a more worthwhile prize,

Though she can’t locate the words

To define it.

Searching high and low

In every place she knows,

She still can’t find it.

 

A still small voice

Whispers her name

And its owner knocks

On the door of her heart.

For a moment

She can see

Beyond her weather

And abandons her questioning,

Lost in her wonderings

At mysteries

She’s only heard inklings of,

Contemplating who would care to

Seek a heart so unadorned and forlorn.

The Presence envelopes her

With surreal peace and grace

And she welcomes His embrace

Without reluctance or fear.

Time has no say or significance here,

Only her heart and Love’s countenance.

 

Kneeling in repentance and surrender,

She dares to

Gently lift off the mask,

Let go of her pain, demands,

And all she doesn’t want to remember,

Willing to do anything she can

To believe all He offers and asks

To complete her heart’s repairs.

Suddenly enraptured in an eternal romance

With the only One

Who could heal her mourning

She denies despair a proper funeral,

And begins to dance

In adoration and thanksgiving.

Lifting her eyes

To Who she was made for

She celebrates her agony’s demise;

A new creation newly divorced

From all that haunted her

And held her back,

She breathes in

One last beginning

Finally free

From the arms of despair.