The Wine Of Astonishment

I. The Present Predicament

Running in place

Trying to keep up with the pace

Of years racing by.

Memories chasing me

With echoes of “Why?”

Ringing in my ears repeatedly;

They hunt me down, overtake me,

And beat me to the ground,

Haunting me unceasingly.

Truth has fallen in the street

And I won’t bend to retrieve it

Or incline my heart to believe it.

 

II: Ponderings Of The Past

Waking up in the dark

Still trying to forget the day

That won’t forget me

The time that altered more

Than my attention

Utterly overtaken by the effects

Of sins and choices

I would rather not mention.

You were before and behind,

Compassed my every direction

(Even when I couldn’t feel You)

Not overcome by my every imperfection.

 

How the words failed me

But the tears did not

How the fears never forgot my name

But increased the severity of their grip

Amidst the weight of shame.

I faced the overwhelming moments

For which I was not equipped

As this life of mine

Came to a standstill

With increasing torments

And a weakening will

Over the consequences I tripped.

 

How You pleaded with me

Rising early and entreating

With numerous reproofs and wooings

I didn’t hearken,

Let alone heed!

My ways were much more

Slovenly than heavenly

Lost in blame and poor choosings

From my desires, myself, and my greed,

Thoroughly devoured by incessant needs.

With my lips at times I honored You

But removed my heart far away

I could not be swayed or convinced

As I succumbed to brokenness

And the lies of youth

(“Surely there is always more time

For forgiveness and repentance

No matter the cost or circumstance.”)

I was a man of wavering intentions

And wasted mercies,

Benumbed by the honesty

Of all my crimes,

And the price to be paid,

As in the tomb I laid,

Wishing and wincing

From endless hurting.

 

Blurred by a corrupted vision

And a contaminated heart

I was astounded

But not absolved

In astonishment

From the hard things You showed me:

The correction I was barely aware of,

The timing I couldn’t trust,

Your urging me to hold onto hope

In spite of it all;

Not to even speak of:

The uncertainty of what was next,

For which I couldn’t cope

Once again afraid to fall,

My doubts concerning Your love,

And the skepticism of another step

On shifting ground;

You made me to drink

The wine of astonishment

And I was drunk on its volume,

Staggering and consumed,

Stammering and confused

At Your turning of things upside down.

 

III: Pursuing A Perfected Path

The gravity of the aftermath

Weighed heavier than any hope.

Debts I could never repay

Mounted to the sky.

Scars were fresh and new

Still aching for relief,

I yearned for consolation

And screamed prayers

For deliverance and salvation

From crumbs of faith

Found on my heart’s floor,

Desperate for a new path

And rescue from all the reasons

For all the “Whys?”

Was Your heart as far from mine

As mine was from Yours?

Was Your forgiveness bigger

Than my failures and faults?

Could You unlock the door

I had all but closed?

Or was my life

Now sentenced to decompose,

Forever condemned

To endless bemoaning and breaking

In the prison vault

Of my own making?

 

Accusations flying everywhere

And lack of understanding

Failing to be shared

I landed with a thud,

Crushed and shattered

All of my efforts torn and tattered

As if they were good for nothing.

Would You meet with me

No matter the lateness of the hour?

Would You care

Despite my weakness

And Your power?

Would You complete the breaking

Of a broken man?

Or take me under Your wings

Until these calamities be overpast

And I had strength

Once more to stand?

Calling upon Your Name

In truth, repentance and sorrow,

When all but dead,

The distractions and excuses hastily fled.

You came close

To my broken and contrite heart,

Even closer than my breath,

Visiting me in my prison

For Your love

Already had every reason

To draw near.

You brought the nourishment needed

For a life-changing repast:

Mercies without end

And compassions that never fail

But are renewed every morning,

Faithfulness that never bends

And always remembers,

Grace that cannot be overcome

But redeems and heals;

With deliverance that cannot be daunted;

You were not haunted as I was

By my transgressions and treasons,

But bound up my wounds,

Spoke softly,

And gave me hope for the morrow.

 

My broken heart

Was so afraid to be touched

Due to its deprivation, agony,

And distance.

Your tenderness

Overcame my fears and resistance

And was more than enough

To begin its repairs,

More than I ever deserved to share.

You offered peace

Instead of strife and hesitation.

A joy I had never known

Was found in Your face

And birthed a new smile in me.

Declaring Your longing

To be my Father,

The God of all comfort and hope,

You welcomed me home,

Proffered forgiveness,

And decreed me worth Your while.

Waking up in Your arms

With a new faith

As a man reborn

The veil of sadness was removed

Replaced by Your presence

And promises secure forever;

I began again,

Never alone,

Never forsaken,

But more astonished than ever.